I hope you had a good weekend.
Me? Not so much.
Before I get into the why’s, I just want to let you know that things are going to get very real here today. If you’re not into reading that, hopefully I will catch you another day.
Normally on Monday, I would link up with Erin or Katie and share the details of our weekend. You know, what we did, what we ate, how much I worked out, Matilda being adorable, blah, blah, blah…
We grocery shopped, did laundry, ate food, I worked out, Matilda was dutifully adorable as always. There, now that we’re caught up, let’s talk about something else that happened this weekend and has happened multiple times in the past.
I have been dealing with some old demons lately.
Normally, I wouldn’t tell you the truth.
I would pretend that everything was fine. I would show you lots of pictures of nice things that really happened, but I just would keep the other ‘bad’ stuff to myself.
I’ve gotten very good over the years at smiling through the pain, or at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m sure those who are close to me know, but everyone else I keep at arm’s length.
However, after reading Danielle’s and Suzy‘s blog posts on anxiety, I felt a little braver. I was so impressed by their willingness to share their demons. And, I just felt so relieved. Not only was I not alone, but here were some awesome and brave ladies who were and are sharing their struggles.
Part of the reason that I started writing a blog was as a sort of catharsis. I needed an outlet to share my anger and frustrations. Well, here goes…
It all started on Friday night when I didn’t sleep. At all. All night.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been there before, but it’s awful. I found myself so very tired, yet unable to turn my brain off. As soon as I turned off the light, fear and anxiety would rear their ugly heads. My heart would race as thoughts and fears played out in my mind like the film reel of an old projector. Over and over and over and over again.
I am no stranger to this. My anxieties are unwelcome visitors who show up from time to time and always overstay their welcome.
I spent the night going back and forth between reading and tossing and turning. Finally around 5:30, I conceded that insomnia had won and I decided to ‘get up for the day’. Did you see my instagram picture? I’m such a faker, right? It looked like such a sweet and cozy scene.
hahaha. fooled you.
Over the past few days, I keep asking myself, why am I faking it?
I’ve always been a very dark, intense; and reactive sort of person with many feelings of fear, frustration, and anxiety. I am also not great at dealing with them.
I used to take depression medicine when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, but stopped when I was about 25 and going through a divorce. That’s a story for another day.
I thought I could deal with everything on my own. I thought I could change my diet, work out a lot, and ‘fix myself.’ I was wrong.
It turns out, I can’t out-run, out-lift, or out-yoga my problems. It turns out that there is no diet that is healthy enough to fix my problems.
I should be so happy, right? I have a sweet and supportive husband. John and I were able to have a baby despite my infertility. I am able to stay home with my little girl. Even though I’ve made some friends over the last few months – all of you who have taken the time to read or comment on my little blog. Thank you.
If you’re reading this, I wonder, would we be friends in real life?
I would like to think yes. But, I know myself too well.
I’m incredibly shy and standoffish.
I can’t make small talk to save my life.
I’m very socially awkward and always have been.
In fact, the only time I ever really felt ‘at ease’ was when I was on stage acting in a play. It felt so freeing because I wasn’t being myself anymore. I was being someone else.
I think that’s the reason I love Halloween so much. You get to dress up and pretend to be someone else for a while.
I’m always jealous of people who have and maintain friendships for decades. I tend to only let people get close enough to a point, then I push them away.
Even though I have so many good things in my life right now, I still don’t feel better. Why?
It’s not a question I can answer.
I have no questions for you today. If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you for reading this and letting me get some things off my chest.
I hope your Monday is wonderful.